Some random thoughts about me…
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and based on a few experiences I’ve had recently, I have come to know myself that little bit better.
Some of you know me quite well by now, others might not, just bear with me as I try to verbalise my thoughts. As I mentioned during my event review for the Far Cry 3 launch, I am not a very outgoing person. Instead, I tend to internalise things and not discuss them with people. I like sharing experiences with people, laughing, talking. But never talking about me, or what is going on inside. There’s a reason for that.
Growing up, I have always been on my own. Sometimes by choice, but mostly because I have never that I belong. I was the kid who could never fit in with any group and the other kids picked up on that quite quickly, and as result I was teased quite severely. This only caused me to retract even further into my shell. I never quite came out of this shell. This has affected me in far more than just relationships.
When it came to women, I was shy to begin with, but then I learned quite early, how cruel they can be. When I was in Standard 5 (Grade 7 in today’s terms), I had my first real relationship, if you could call it that. I felt honoured because a girl asked ME out. Only to be dumped just a few short days later, because she had somehow learned that I was teased in the previous school that I attended. Funny how people’s opinions of a person changes when it comes to light that you are “not the person they envisioned you to be”. Now I say that in quotes because I find it to be utter bullshit. But we’ll get back to that.
After that happened, I kind of went back to just liking girls from a distance. For most of my high school career I had a crush on a girl. I never pursued her actively, I just admired her, safely from my quiet little corner. What hurt was, and I’m sure a lot of you has gone through this in the past, when she eventually found out about me liking her, her reaction was quite the opposite of what you would normally see in a film. She laughed at me and thought I was being silly. The end. Many people would just shrug something like that off and move on to try again another day. I kind of did, but it bothered me, because she was my first real crush.
Another time in my high school career, I again had the fortune of a girl sending me a note, telling me that she was interested in me. My spirit was however crushed when it came to light that it was all some cruel game orchestrated by her and her girlfriends to get a kick out of seeing me hurt.
Kids can be cruel sure, but it didn’t end there. I stopped trying to be interested in girls for a long time after that, until after school when I met my first real love. In the interest of keeping the people involved’s anonymity intact, I won’t mention names. When I was 18/19 I met a woman several years older than me, and not only was she my best friend, but we became more than that. I was happy. My life wasn’t perfect, but I was happy. The thing is, there was certain extenuating circumstances that complicated things and due to these pressures the relationship ended.
After that happened I was crushed, but then a few years later I met another girl who again managed to make me fall completely in love with her. The distance was just a major issue and we only had the opportunity to see each other once every few months. But as (bad) luck would have it, due to unforeseen circumstances, that too ended.
I don’t want to bore you with every one of my failed romances, so I’ll just cut to the chase. Some of you may have wondered why I am single. I think I can safely attribute it to my severe bad luck in the past discouraging me to such a point where I simply do not see the point anymore. I’ve tried, several times in recent history in fact, and every single time things have failed. I have become impatient, too expecting, and most of all, much too fussy, when it comes to the woman I am looking for. I even tried going out again to a night club, just to see if any of the girls there interested me. The fact is, and I know it might seem unfair to say so, the women of today are just too far removed from my expectations. When I say expectations, I of course refer to someone who is willing to accept me for who I am.
I saw my friend, 4 years my junior, chatting up and flirting with women, and I think to myself “That’s just not me”. Not because they don’t deserve what I have to give. But plainly because I am not that person. I find that going to bars, or night clubs, or anywhere is just forcing things. As much as I’d like to meet a woman who is everything I want, I am just not willing to force myself to conform to how everyone else does it. This friend of mine, just because he is skinny and presentable, has women chasing after him. Literally volunteering to have sex with him on the spot. Why? Because they like the way he looks.
I may not be muscled or handsome. I may not have “the gift of the gab/the ability to chat up women”. But I find it so very offensive that women are completely unwilling to talk to a man in normal circumstances, without the need to make her laugh or whatever it is that you as a man are supposed to do to make a woman feel good about herself. I like to joke around or tell jokes, don’t get me wrong. But quite honestly, not every single man on earth is a smooth-talker or a naturally funny person. In fact, I would even go so far as to say that I end up with my foot in my mouth in most situations, much less when trying to chat up a woman. I know this might be coming across as me trying to say that you shouldn’t want to make a woman laugh or feel good about herself, but that’s not the case. The thing is, it’s basically expected right off the bat before they even consider even looking at you.
Can’t things be like they were back in the old days? If you like someone, whether it’s a man or a woman, you approach them, you tell them that you are interested, and if the feeling is mutual you start a courtship. Things have changed so much, and I think it’s mostly the fault of the media. We are judged every day by the people around us by the way that we look. What clothes we wear, how we carry ourselves, what we own, how much money we have. What happened to getting to know someone? People just have this tendency to judge right off the bat, and I feel that people (like me) end up getting the short end of the stick. This is another reason why I simply refuse to even try to get into dating. Yes, I am overweight, and yes I am quiet and non-social, but have you stopped for just a second to think about WHY? Maybe I am comfortable in my own skin and I don’t mind the extra fat. Who are you to judge me by the way I look? Why not take the time to get to know me and maybe you just might like what you see? I have always been the type of person who simply does not look at what is on the outside. I have dated fat girls and skinny girls, and not once did I judge them by their appearance. I have always loved them for who they were, not for what they looked like. I just feel like 9 times out of 10, I do not receive the same courtesy. Why? Why should I go out of my way to try and chat up a girl, only to be shot down because she didn’t like the way I looked or the way I present myself?
Why I think the way I do is for one simple reason. I know for a fact that back in the ‘good old days’ when women were still unspoiled by today’s culture, it didn’t matter what a man looked like. It didn’t matter whether he was loud and proud or soft spoken. If you liked a girl, you approached her, without malice in your heart. Without ill-intentions. Without the need to try and impress her in any way. You approached her, and told her you liked her. If she liked you back, well then she would tell you and then you can arrange a date. If she doesn’t, she didn’t degrade you, or make you feel lesser. She looked you in the eye, and respectfully told you that she doesn’t feel the same way. I know this, not by my own personal experience. I know this because my elders, who lived in simpler times, told me so.
I long for a return to those ways every day. Perhaps it would be safest to just go back to admiring girls from a distance again. Maybe then I will be more content with my life.